Chaos is Queen

Dear, You...

2011-10-08T00:04:00.001-07:00

Dear Love,

After four days of non-stop rain the sun finally came out to play. The world felt so fresh, so clean, and new. The air was crisp. The sky, a perfect, brilliant blue. It felt like pumpkins, blustery, blowy leaves, and sweaters. It was my most favorite kind of day in the middle of my most favorite month. I spent the morning walking with my Nana and my Kyle. Two of my most favorite people. A day as lovely as this only made me miss you more. I can appreciate the beauty of days like this, but true joy alludes me...Joy feels as far away from me as you are. I can take a deep breath of fresh fall air and let my heart swell with my love for you. A love that is sometimes so difficult to manage, but wonderful all the same. You feel so far away...We feel so far away...I know that you're there. All I need to do is point myself East and let the knowledge of you wash over me. Just knowing that you're pointing West quiets my heart and calms my soul.

I miss you, love.

Summertime! And the livin's easy.

2011-06-21T21:23:00.001-07:00

In honor of today being the first official day of summer I thought I'd post a list of my absolute favorite things about our current season. This BLAZING California heat will NOT be included.

1. Swimming in my nana's pool. Sigh. Especially when I can hear the doves...singing? Cooing? Whatever it is they do? Every summer growing up I spent a good portion of my time parked in or around that pool. Swimming, tanning, reading, napping... I grew up listening to the doves in the late afternoon as the shade claimed the water. I grew up listening to my precious Nana urge me and urge me and URGE ME to get out of the sun! My most favorite part about all of this? Is that I'm still doing it! That at the age of twenty seven not only am I still spending summers by her pool, but I'm sharing it with my kids. And that maybe, just maybe, this will be one of their favorite memories as well some day. And even though I completely ignored her at fifteen when she tells me now to get myself and my boys out of the sun, I smile and I immediately put those boys in the shade. Why? Because after eighty-something years on this Earth, she deserves the respect. And two, she is sure as Hell RIGHT!

2. Tomatoes. Mmmmm, tomatoes. Tomatoes, warm, right off the vine from my parents garden. Tomatoes paired with cucumbers slathered in Italian dressing. Tomatoes splattered all over the road...Wait, what? Yep. Here in the good old state of California you know it's summer when you see those puppies smeared all over the road like- well, you KNOW like what.

3. Sun-burned cheeks.

4. Two words. Lake Tahoe.

5. Ice cream in the evenings and iced tea alllll day long.

6. Warm nights spent on the porch. Or riding bikes around the neighborhood. Or snuggling on a blanket watching the stars. For simplicities sake let's just say warm nights. Or rather, warm nights spent OUTSIDE. Because let's be real here, warm nights while trying to sleep indoors just sucks.

7. Summer evenings spent on my parents back porch with a glass of wine. It's always nice to sit under the twinkle lights my mother as so artfully set up and just... catch up. To just sit...and be.

Here's my secret. Summer is my least favorite season, so my list is short. But what I do love? I love like crazy.

I'm being looked after, and not just by God.

2011-06-16T22:03:00.001-07:00

I broke down in the middle of the card aisle today in Walmart. The boys and I were picking out cards to send to Pete for Father's Day when Caden asked me to read what the Spiderman card said. I didn't make it through the first sappy sentence before I couldn't see the words anymore through the tears. I miss him so much it literally hurts. Every. Single. Day. I don't know how military wives do it. I don't know how single wives do it. I don't even know how mob wives do it! Please don't hold my TV viewing preferences again me. The worst part is that I don't know when he'll be home. I don't know when the boys will get to see their daddy again. I don't know when the next time I crawl into bed without feeling scared will be. I just don't know...

The other morning Kyle woke me up when he came into my room crying. Every mom will tell you that kids have different cries. Hurt cries. Tired cries. Angry cries. Cries that aren't really cries at all...This cry was his legitimately upset cry. Something had happened to make him truly distraught. Normally when he's crying like this he's either wet the bed, had a bad dream or Caden has done something to hurt him. So when he came in and I asked him what was wrong, I fully expected to be told that he had peed his bed. What I didn't expect was for him to say, "I miss my daddy!" When something happens to upset my kids that I can't fix my normal response, "Oh honey, come here." And then they get a big hug and a back rub...

Today in Walmart Kyle asks me, "Mommy are you crying?" And I answered that I was. So then Caden asks, "Why?" And I tell them that I miss their daddy. Kyle then holds out his arms and says, "Come here, mommy." My three year old then gave me a big hug and rubbed my back.

My five year old told me it was going to be okay.

So, even though I don't have my husband right now, I clearly have two little men who are looking out for me and I can't help but feel like one of the luckiest woman alive.

2011-06-16T00:25:00.000-07:00

For the last week or so I've fallen into bed around nine or so completely exhausted...Only to toss and turn for hours before eventually falling to sleep. I think it's this heat, but I absolutely refuse to run the air conditioner through the night...Sigh.

Insomnia sucks. Especially when you have children that are always up at the crack of dawn.

Chicago

2011-06-15T21:40:00.000-07:00

In just a few short weeks I will get on a plane, land in IL, and be reunited with my man. And aside from being terrified of the plane ride, I am BEYOND excited. I haven't seen him for a month and half and I'm ready. I'm ready to snuggle all night. I'm ready to lean over and kiss him whenever I want. I'm ready to banter back and forth in the special way that we do and honestly...I'm ready for some kid-free time. It kills me that I can't take them with me so that they can spend some time with their daddy, but I'm going to look at the bright side. I'm going to be a much, much, much, MUCH better mother when I get back.

I've been researching Chicago non-stop for the past couple of weeks and I've pretty much figured out my top three things to that I want to see. The bean, which I don't think is the official name. But you know what I'm talking about. That giant, silver bean shaped thing in Millennium Park? That one that supposedly has the amazing refection quality and is amazing to photograph? Super excited to see that! Well, I'm excited to just see Millennium Park in general...Second, the original Playboy mansion. Don't ask me why, I truthfully have no idea. Wrigley Field. Don't ask me about that one either. No, I'm not a Cubs fan I'm just drawn to it...And lastly, the address of the Valentines day Massacre. Because I'm macabre that like. Oh wait, that's four. So I figured out my top FOUR things of must sees in Chicago.

Who knows if we'll make to any or all of those. As of right now we have NO plans and I think that's partly why I'm so freakin' excited. I have a whole week ahead of me where I get to do whatever I want. GO wherever I want. SEE whatever I want!

I am so ready for a week with my love!

Teen Angst Tuesday

2011-06-14T10:58:00.001-07:00

No, this isn't a poem but it's as lovely as a poem and one of my all time favorite quotes. From one of my all time favorite movies!

Alice: Have I gone mad?

Alice's dad:‎"Yes, you're mad. Bonkers, off your head... But i'll tell you a secret... All the best people are."

Conversations with a 3 year old.

2011-06-13T20:32:00.001-07:00

My child has started talking. And when I say, "talking" I don't mean, "Mama, dada, or baba." I mean long-winded, surprisingly articulate speeches that NEVER END. Speeches on his favorite things; Toy Story, Power Rangers, Magic Tree House. Speeches on completely random people, places or events. Or even a play by play on his latest(imaginary) fight. The latter is by far my favorite. There is just something so funny about listening to a three year old in his sweet little voice telling you about how he punched someone in the face because they kicked him in the wee wee. And please don't ask me where he gets this stuff because I have NO idea. I have a sneaking suspicion he gets it from his older brother, who in turn gets it from school, but truthfully, I'll probably never know. Which is probably a good thing because I wouldn't want to have to put the smack down on some poor kid because he's been teaching mine about violence. I mean, REALLY.

My absolute favorite thing about these speeches is that they are just that. Speeches. No listener participation required. No, "mhmms or oh, really's?" necessary. Eye contact? Pretty sure that isn't needed either. In fact, I think all Kyle requires is a warm body-no wait. Scratch that. I think all Kyle needs is a vague human shaped object. And I'm not even 100% sure on that, either. I probably shouldn't admit this to the internet lest anyone thinks I'm a terrible mother, but I've been known to space out a time or two during these long-winded, one sided conversations...And I kid you not, five full minutes later, he's still chattering away. Completely oblivious to his non-audience. And that is exactly what I mean when I say listener participation is not required.

I only hope he keeps talking like this. I hope I get to enjoy listening to him talk and talk and talk well into adulthood. I dread the day when I have to drag out even single syllable answers to the simplest of questions. How was your day? Fine. What did you do? Nothing. What did you learn? Stuff. Ugh.

Dear Lord, please let my babies never be teenagers. Amen.

To Fly Or Not To Fly

2011-06-12T01:07:00.000-07:00

Two years ago I had a dream that I was on a plane to Chicago and the plane crashed. That has been my most realistic dream, to date. I woke up that night and swore I would never fly again. A dream that realistic could only mean one thing; I was going to die if I ever stepped foot on a plane again. I'm nothing if not level-headed and realistic, myself. All joking aside, the dream scared me. I really couldn't help but ask myself, "What if this is a sign?" Thankfully I'm not a jet-setter and I had never had a reason to visit the mid-west, much less Chicago. So planes have been easily avoided. Until now.

Pete has been working in Illinois for the last month or so and will continue working over there for the unforeseeable future. He'll be there long enough that a visit from me is unavoidable and truth be told, dream or no dream, I really want to go visit him. I miss him... But I'm back to freaking out over that ridiculous dream because where am I flying for the first time since that dream? Yep, Chicago. And when I say, "freaking out." I MEAN freaking. Out. Straight up panic.

What's a girl to do? Drug myself beyond coherency? Drive two thousand miles? By myself? In three days? Suck it up and pray, pray, pray?

Suck it up because I already bought the plane tickets? I think we have a winner.

Teen Angst Tuesday

2011-02-08T21:52:00.000-08:00

Randomly stumbled onto this song through Pandora. So, I guess this isn't technically a poem, but I think I did state that song lyrics were welcome. Enjoy.

No Day But Today - RENT

"The heart may freeze or it can burn
The pain will ease if I can learn

There is no future
There is no past
Thank God this moment's not the last

There's only us
There's only this
Forget regret-- or life is yours to miss.
No other road
No other way
No day but today

There's only yes
Only tonight
We must let go
To know what is alright
No other course
No other way
No day but today

I can't control
My destiny
I trust my soul
My only hope
is just to be

There's only now
There's only here
Give in to love
Or live in fear
No other path
No other way
No day but today"

Teen Angst Tuesday

2010-05-25T14:38:00.001-07:00

I'm not in the mood for poems today. So instead, I leave you with a quote. Enjoy.

"Today countries are concentrating too much on efforts and means to defend their borders. Yet these countries know so little about the poverty and suffering that make the human beings who live inside such borders feel so lonely!

If instead they would worry about giving these defenseless beings some food, some shelter, some healthcare, some clothes, it is undeniable that the world would be more peaceful and happy place to live. " - Mother Teresa

Teen Angst Tuesday

2010-05-11T10:11:00.001-07:00

Crap! It's Teen Angst Tuesday, isn't it? Well, lucky for you I've suddenly got some time on my hands.

I really, really like japanese poetry. It's simple, beautiful, and oftentimes very elegant. I went on a search just now to try to find a poem that fit the bill. I found this instead, which really, fits my state of mind right now. Perfectly. Enjoy.

Kobayashi Issa

Pissing In The Snow

Pissing in the snow
outside my door--
it makes a very straight hole.

Update

2010-05-11T09:33:00.000-07:00

So here's a cute little update for you on the Oregon saga. Pete was suppose to pick up his check at 7 a.m. and come home. It is now 9:30 am. Which means they asked him to work. Which means we won't be leaving today. Which means I ran around yesterday and this morning for nothing. Which means that my HEAD IS GOING TO EXPODE at any minute.

Oregon bound

2010-05-11T08:08:00.001-07:00

Yesterday was spent running around like a chicken with my head cut off. So it's no surprise that today I feel worthless, which sucks because I have just as much to do today as I did yesterday.

My darling husband informed me yesterday morning that we would be leaving for Oregon today instead of Saturday. Assuming my math is correct, and I really shouldn't because my math is TERRIBLE. That leaves me one day to get ready for a week long vacation instead of five.

I have a million and three things to do this morning before Pete gets home, which could be at ANY time. You'd think I'd be doing them, right? Well, wrong. I'm sitting at the computer, instead. Obviously I have my priorities in order.

And with that incredibly random and awkward post, I leave you, darling chickens. I'll let you know if we make it to the in-laws in one piece. Which is sorta sketchy at this point because Pete is definitely on my S list right now.

Happy Mother's Day!

2010-05-09T11:17:00.000-07:00

In honor of Mother's Day I offer to you the best advice my mom ever gave me. Ready?

Always pack an extra pair of underwear.

Your welcome! Happy Mother's Day to all the beautiful moms out there!

An open letter to my dad.

2010-05-08T20:08:00.000-07:00

Dear Dad,

You know I love you, good grief. You're one of my most favorite people on this planet. Growing up you were the absolute best. True story. I have various friends who would gladly vouch for me...With that said...

Dad, dad, dad. Listen. I completely understand that making drinks is not an art form. I do. Truly. And your effort at making Margaritas tonight deserves no less than an A. I mean that, Dad. From the bottom of my heart. So when you told me that you made a (valiant, really and truly) effort to water these down with Margarita mix I believed you, Dad. I believed you because I've never known you to lie. And it's not that I think you lied, Dad. Oh no, I saw the truth in your eyes when you said those words. I know now that you honestly believed it yourself. But lie you did, Dad. I was shnockered within the first few sips. And I don't use that word lightly, Dad. When I say it, I mean it. So, with nothing but love in my heart I say to you of your effort to make, "watered down margaritas" was an epic fail. Epic. Fail.

But dad? Rest assured that all was not wasted. They were delicioussssss.

Just Sad

2010-05-07T21:47:00.001-07:00

I literally watched a mother get the attention of her child today by grabbing his hair and yanking his head back. Seriously? How is it that a mother can treat her CHILD like that? Sometimes being a human really depresses me.

A Conversation With Caden

2010-05-06T10:08:00.000-07:00

Caden has been remembering his dreams lately and I've been loving hearing about them. Not because I like to hear about other people's dreams, because let's be honest, I HATE IT. But it's different when it's your own kid. He's learning and growing and he's finally old enough to let me inside his head. It's exciting. The following conversation took place this very morning.

Caden: Guess what i dreamed about last night, mommy?

Me: What did you dream about?

Caden: I dreamed that the house was on fire!

Me: Caden, why didn't you wake me up? You can always wake me up if you have bad dreams.

Caden: It wasn't a bad dream, it was my happiest dream!!

Me: ........

Yeaaaaah. Is five too early for therapy? Because...yeah, I don't even know what to say.

Teen Angst Tuesday

2010-05-04T19:53:00.001-07:00

Because it's pretty...

The Dream

by Edna St. Vincent Millay

Love, if I weep it will not matter,
And if you laugh I shall not care;
Foolish am I to think about it,
But it is good to feel you there.

Love, in my sleep I dreamed of waking,
White and awful the moonlight reached
Over the floor, and somewhere, somewhere,
There was a shutter loose,-it screeched!

Swung in the wind,-and no wind blowing!
I was afraid, and turned to you,
Put out my hand to you for comfort,
And you were gone! Cold, cold as dew,

Under my hand the moonlight lay!
Love, if you laugh I shall not care,
But if I weep it will not matter,
Ah, it is good to feel you there!

2010-05-03T23:20:00.001-07:00

I always thought that once we reach a certain age, we turn in our drama card. We relinquish our hold on petty behaviors, mean gossipy comments behind each others backs, and freezing people out. Because I had given up my drama card I mistakenly assumed everybody else had, too. But they don't, and that is a hard lesson to learn.

I had an awesome friend. We got each other. We could truly be ourselves around each other. I'm a Christian, and I say fuck. I say fuck a lot and I'm pretty sure that everybody knows that if you run with Christians, you just don't say fuck. Except, around her, I could. I did. Not only because she didn't care, but because she said it, too. I could call her and rant, scream, and vent about Pete. I could tell her what an asshole I thought he was being and I knew, I KNEW that no matter what I told her he had done, she would love him anyway. I knew that his reputation was safe, and that when we would inevitably make up she wouldn't roll her eyes, but be genuinely happy for us. We never fought, because any problems we had with each other was solved so quickly and effortlessly that it never became an issue. Because whatever it was we had done to unintentionally hurt the other was just that, unintentional. We laughed. A lot.

So when I came to her about a month ago with something she had been doing that hurt my feelings, I thought nothing of it. Because what was suppose to happen, what usually did happen was that she would apologize. And we would move on. Except, she didn't. And we didn't. She did the last thing I ever expected and took it personally, and stopped talking to me. Which, sucked, but it was nothing I would get my panties in a twist over. I just decided to wait until summer time when both of us had time to actually deal with a non-issue that had suddenly, apparently become a real issue.

Except last night I realized that her sister and mother had deleted me from Facebook. Suddenly this real issue was back to being a non-issue because she was so done, her family was done as well. I sat and stared at the computer screen last night for a long time. I opened up an e-mail.

I wrote, dear friend and then stopped. Because what I could say?

Dear, friend. WTF?

I don't know, guys, that just didn't seem to work. So I sat. And I stared. And I cried. Because one of the only people in my life who wasn't ever suppose to throw me away, did. And I just don't know what you say to that.

So I sat, and wrote and then I read what I had written to my husband; whom always vetoed it because I'll be honest, I was being mean. Because, more than hurt, and more than confused I was angry, because I just don't deserve it.

While I wrote, and re-wrote Pete and I talked about it. He let me vent and tried to offer up advice and the mandatory, "Well, maybe it was becauses..." I eventually hammered something out that was a little bit sad, a little angry, and yes, a little bit mean and sent it on it's way. Afterwards I just stared at my lap and with tears running down my face, Pete said this to me.

"Holly, I want to give you advice about how to fix this, but I just don't know how. I'm sorry because I don't know what to say to you to make you feel better...You just miss your friend don't you?

And he was right of course. Because the truth is, I can be angry, and sad, and confused but it all really comes down to one thing.

I just miss my friend.

2010-05-02T22:04:00.001-07:00

Ah me, life has gotten in the way again. I'm so sorry, chickens. Er, chicken. I can't imagine I have any readers left, except maybe one or two. If you're still there, hey. How are you? I'm sorry for the wildly erratic blog. I truely am. Life has been a crazy ride as of late. So. To make a short story even shorter, I'm back. More blog posts to follow, to those of you who are still around.

Teen Angst Tuesday

2010-01-12T13:33:00.001-08:00

Today's poem is called "Love After Love" by Derek Walcott. I first read this poem when I started reading "The Time Traveler's Wife" It's at the very beginning of the book. I don't know much about this poem or the author, and by "much" I mean, nothing. I do know that when I read it I absolutely knew that I would LOVE the book. Any author who starts her books out with an A-MAZING poem is okay in my book. Enjoy, lovelies.

Love After Love

The time will come
when, with elation
you will greet yourself arriving
at your own door, in your own mirror,
and each will smile at the other's welcome,

and say, sit here. Eat.
You will love again the stranger who was your self.
Give wine. Give bread. Give back your heart
to itself, to the stranger who has loved you

all your life, whom you ignored
for another, who knows you by heart.
Take down the love letters from the bookshelf,

the photographs, the desperate notes,
peel your own image from the mirror.
Sit. Feast on your life.

Teen Angst Tuesday

2010-01-04T21:28:00.001-08:00

Howdy folks. So, yes, I'm aware that this isn't actually Tuesday but it can't be helped. Fact of the matter is, you probably never would have noticed that I posted this on Monday if I hadn't pointed it out, but I'm nothing if not honest. That's probably why so many consider me angelic in quality. I do actually have a reason for going all wonky on you though. Tomorrow Pete and I are going to give up TV and the Internet for a week so posting this on the actual day of Tuesday is OUT. Should be exciting...that is if I don't die from withdrawals. Actually, it probably won't be exciting at all. We'll sit around doing things like reading, playing games, and you know, interacting with each other. Crazy, right? So! Onwards with angsty poems! This poem is actually one of mine. I wrote it a couple of nights ago. Explanation to follow.

What I Would Ask

Can I ask, are you happy?
Is today a good day to die?
When people ask, "How are you?"
Are you truthful? Do you lie?

Do your eyes shine brightly?
When you smile, do you glow?
Do you laugh out loud?
When they say, "Cheese" do your teeth show?

How are you doing?
When you sleep, are you dreaming?
Are you there? Alive?
Or are you only being?

Do you miss me?
Have you kept me at all?
Am I gone for good?
Like the wind this past fall?

Are you like me?
Never the same, but still good?
Would you please leave me?
Please, I truly wish you would.

Okay, so I feel like I have to say some things about this poem and my mindset when it was written. First off, I'm madly in love with my Pete bee. He's the cheese to my macaroni as Juno would say. The stars to my moon. The heart attack to my cheeseburger. The flower to my bumblebee. The Hitchcock to my Grace Kelly. The...okay, I'm done with the really BAD analogies. The point is, I love that boy. Madly. Do we have our problems? Sure. Doesn't everybody? But we slog through and overcome and truthfully, it makes for an incredibly satisfying marriage. But haven't we all felt this way at some time or another? When a lover leaves? When a friend decides it isn't worth it anymore? Or maybe you, yourself decide it isn't worth it? Maybe somebody has even died...I wrote this because I think a lot of people can relate, and a lot of people have probably sat around thinking these very questions. They've sat around wondering how people who used to be their best friends, or lovers, or enter the blank are doing. But more importantly, I think that so many people can relate when it comes to not being able to let somebody go. They can relate to holding on so tightly to something that isn't even there anymore. To loving somebody who has long since left. This is for you, you eternal romantic, you.

Quote

2010-01-04T11:15:00.000-08:00

"If I may so express it, I was steeped in Dora. I was not merely over head and ears in love with her, but I was saturated through and through. Enough love might have been wrung out of me, metaphorically speaking, to drown anybody in; and yet there would have remained enough within me, and all over me, to pervade my entire existence." -Charles Dickens

Busy Bookworm Challenge 2010!

2010-01-03T12:50:00.001-08:00

So, I've decided to participate in The Busy Bookworm Challenge. What you do is pick 12-24 books that you can't fathom passing up and reading them throughout the year. 1-2 books a month. Since I love reading, and read at least 2 books a month anyway I thought it would be fun to participate and see how far I got. My own personal goal would be to surpass the twenty four books and read even more. Also, I get a cute little button to put up on my blog. Please direct your eyes to the left and you shall see it in all of it's gloriousness! So, without further ado; my list!

1. The Stand by Stephen King

2. Angels and Demons By Dan Brown

3. Great Expectations by Charles Dickens

4. Oliver Twist By Charles Dickens

5. The Sugar Queen by Sarah Addison Alan(LOVE this author, if you haven't read Garden Spells you must. Now.)

6. The Girl Who Chased the Moon by Sarah Addison Alan

7. Moby Dick by Herman Melville

8. The Odyssey by Homer

9. Under The Dome by Stephen King

10. A Simple Path by Mother Theresa(although, I'm not sure this counts because I started it at the end of December. Oh well. I'm a cheater. Meh)

11. Love Letters of Great Men

12 Peter Duck by Arthur Ransom

13. Neverwhere by Neil Gaimon

14. Coraline by Neil Gaimon

15. Blue Like Jazz-Don Miller

16. The Help- Kathryn Stockett

17. Me Talk Pretty One Day- David Sedaris

Uh, so yeah. Turns out picking twenty four MUST read books is harder than it seems. I'll get through these and then I'll pick another twelve.

Consider partaking in the challenge yourself because let's face it, reading is so much cooler than TV!

Okay...so I don't know how obvious this is but I've been going back and adding books. Some I've found on my own, and a couple were recommended to me(thanks, Jessie!) So. I'll probably slowly add them and that is why the end of this post doesn't make any sense. Alrighty, then . Carry on.

A Season Of Blessing

2010-01-02T23:26:00.000-08:00

I think one of the questions you have to ask yourself when you start a blog is how much information you want to share with the world. Do you want to give away all of the gory details? Keep a little for yourself but share enough? Share nothing, just speak, so to speak? I myself prefer honest blogs. I like to read about people's misbehaving kids, annoying husband antics, and nightmarish mother-in-laws. I like it, because it's REAL. I like it because the reason I read blogs is to peek into somebody elses life; to be able to connect with other human beings if only for a couple of minutes. Let's be honest, writing about your "perfect" children, "perfect" husband, and/or "perfect" life is a wasted effort because people not only see through it but probably resent it, if only just a teeny tinsy bit. Not to mention it just doesn't make for good writing. '

With that being said, I gotta say; my life so perfect right now I could scream. Seriously. I don't even feel bad about writing that because if you've been reading this blog for any period of time you know that my life is FAR from perfect. I'm just in such a season of blessing that I feel like singing it from the rooftops. For the sake of every ones innocent ears, I'll just tell it here. 2010 is going to be a rocking year, lovelies. It's going to rock my socks harder than my socks have EVER been rocked.

Today we had the final walk through on our house. Monday we will sign the loan documents and we should receive our keys on Thursday. I'll let you in on a little secret; we've been trying to buy a house for TWO years. TWO YEARS! Two years of slogging through house, after house, after house. Two years of rejected offer after rejected offer. Two years of countless realtors ditching us because we're too "picky." I can't tell you how excited I am to finally see the day when we officially become home-owners. Bliss. Heaven. Extreme satisfaction.

May 2010 bless you as richly as I know we will be blessed. I just ask that you excuse this sickeningly optimistic blog. I literally cannot help but spread the joy, peeps.

Holly and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day!

2009-10-08T20:17:00.001-07:00

Do you ever have those days where it seems like all you get is bad news and nothing goes your way? The kind of days where you are constantly stubbing your toe and bumping into corners? Well, welcome to my day. Except instead of stubbing my toes I seemed to step on every single sharp toy my children own.

About thirty minutes before Pete got home and about an hour after I had started my decent into a swirling vortex of bad mood misery I decided that my ticket to pleasure would be a meal out. I love, love, love to eat and almost nothing makes me happier than delicious food. I had to play my cards carefully though. Pete doesn't like to eat out with the rug rats. His idea of "eating out" is fast food and tonight, I wanted a sit down meal. I decided the best way to go was to get the boys completely ready to go and dress myself a little nicer than usual. This way I could say, "But Pete, I dressed up just for you!" when he would inevitably say no. It worked. Yes, I admit it was a wee bit manipulative but I'll be honest, I was desperate, and I'd like to think that Pete knows me well enough to know when I'm "scheming."

When we got to the restaurant the first thing Kyle did was scream and for the first time we got dirty looks because of it. Or at least, this was the first time I noticed. I decided that instead of getting angry and sulking I would just have to cope and do my best to keep the kids happy. Luckily we got the best waitress EVER and she made sure we got everything quickly so the kids stayed quiet. It was beyond satisfying to walk past the mean muggers with my children knowing that they were perfect for the entire meal. The woman even smiled at my kids.

By the time we climbed back into the car my mood was considerably lighter. Although still bummed about some of the news I received today I'm content. I've been blessed with enough food in my stomach, children who not only know how to behave in a restaurant but are beyond cute, and a husband who is willing to make himself uncomfortable to cheer me up. Tonight, life is good.

2009-10-06T14:05:00.001-07:00

"Two may talk together under the same roof for many years yet never really meet, and two others at first speech are old friends." Mary Catherwood

Teen Angst Tuesday

2009-09-29T12:51:00.001-07:00

I was originally going to post this last week but due to stomach bugs and general laziness it did not happen. So, from here on out, Tuesdays shall be known as "Teen Angst Tuesdays" around here. Each week I will post a poem. Sometimes it will be one of mine, but probably not very often because I tend to hate my own poetry. Sometimes I'll post poems that have been written for me, and sometimes I'll post famous poems or poems I've read by famous people ;-) AND , if my readership ever goes up above one(Hi Whitney!!) and you, darling reader have any poems you'd like to share, I'll post those too! So! In the spirit of the first ever Teen Angst Tuesday I've decided that my all time favorite poem would be appropriate. You may recognize this poem from that Cameron Diaz movie...the one with the title about shoes...I think?? ANYWAY, enjoy.

ee cummings

i carry your heart with me(i carry it in
my heart) i am never without it(anywhere
i go you go,my dear; and whatever is done
by only me is your doing,my darling)
i fear
no fate(for you are my fate,my sweet)i want
no world(for beautiful you are my world,my true)
and it's you are whatever a moon has always meant
and whatever a sun will always sing is you

here is the deepest secret nobody knows
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life;which grows
higher than the soul can hope or mind can hide)
and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart

i carry your heart(i carry it in my heart)

Fall

2009-09-28T12:53:00.000-07:00

Today is the first day that it actually feels like fall and I must say, I"m giddy. I realize that it's only officially been fall for a week, but for California that's pretty good! I took the boys for a walk this morning and the wind was blowing and the leaves for flying through the air, it reminded me of what Pooh Bear calls a "blustery day." Very enjoyable. I'm not usually a fan of wind but owing to the fact that it's more of a strong breeze than wind, I'll take it. It doesn't hurt that the sky is a beautiful blue and the light is golden. I'm crazy about fall...

2009-09-19T00:06:00.000-07:00

"Waiting is painful. Forgetting is painful. But not knowing which to do is the worse kind of suffering." Paulo Coelho

Almost Lover-A fine frenzy

2009-09-17T22:27:00.000-07:00

I've been stuck in the house for the last couple of weeks due to the family cycling through a cold and I'm starting to go stir-crazy. Being stuck in the house doesn't give me much material to work with in terms of blog entries so I've decided to let somebody else do the writing tonight. Oh, I suppose I could crank out a few more "poor me" entries, but truth be told, I'm getting bored with my misery. So...I've decided to post one of my all-time favorite songs accompanied by lyrics.Okay, change of plans...it turns out posting a video is a wee bit more complicated than just copying and pasting and because I'm on a new computer I'm not willing to figure it out tonight. So! We'll just make due with the lyrics, mmmk?

When I first heard this song I almost wished I was going through a break-up so I could really relate, that seems silly in hindsight...but true nonetheless! Enjoy ;-)

Almost Lover-A fine Frenzy

Your fingertips across my skin
The palm trees swaying in the wind
Images
You sang me Spanish lullabies
The sweetest sadness in your eyes
Clever trick

Well, I never want to see you unhappy
I thought you'd want the same for me

[Chorus]
Goodbye, my almost lover
Goodbye, my hopeless dream
I'm trying not to think about you
Can't you just let me be?
So long, my luckless romance
My back is turned on you
Should've known you'd bring me heartache
Almost lovers always do

We walked along a crowded street
You took my hand and danced with me
Images
And when you left, you kissed my lips
You told me you would never, never forget
These images

No

Well, I'd never want to see you unhappy
I thought you'd want the same for me

[Chorus]
Goodbye, my almost lover
Goodbye, my hopeless dream
I'm trying not to think about you
Can't you just let me be?
So long, my luckless romance
My back is turned on you
Should've known you'd bring me heartache
Almost lovers always do

I cannot go to the ocean
I cannot drive the streets at night
I cannot wake up in the morning
Without you on my mind
So you're gone and I'm haunted
And I bet you are just fine

Did I make it that
Easy to walk right in and out
Of my life?

[Chorus]
Goodbye, my almost lover
Goodbye, my hopeless dream
I'm trying not to think about you
Can't you just let me be?
So long, my luckless romance
My back is turned on you
Should have known you'd bring me heartache
Almost lovers always do

You said WHAT??

2009-09-16T21:31:00.000-07:00

Lately my kids have been sounding less like kids and more like sailers and I'm not sure who to blame. I could certainly blame my parents whose language is questionable at best. I could probably even get away with blaming my brothers. It's true my kids rarely see their uncles but it's also true that my brother's language is awful. I could even blame Friends and That 70's show, except the only bad words they use are "whore" and "bitch." Both of which are not in my kids vocabulary... But folks, let's be honest here. The only person I can truly and honestly blame without feeling any guilt, is myself. Me and my dirty mouth are going to get my kids into some pretty embarrassing situations if I don't find some way to stop this...

But here's the thing. Any parent will tell you that as soon as you smile, or laugh punishment isn't an option. You can't punish a child for something you obviously find amusing, it just isn't fair. And while we're being honest, I guess I should admit that I always laugh. I'm sorry! I just can't help myself. Do I think four year olds saying things like, "Mommy, this is really pissing me off" is horrifying? Yes. Do I also think it's beyond adorable to hear such filthy language in such a sweet, small voice? Absolutely. Does this make me a bad person? Probably.

Pete on the other hand is truly horrified and appalled. Woe to anybody who laughs at such language out of an innocent's mouth in front of Pete. Trust me. WOE. However, I am not alone in teaching my children such things. In fact, I distinctly remember Caden learning the word crap, from Pete. Okay, so crap isn't as bad as say, shit...but STILL. Minor details, people.

So, here's my question. What the F bomb do we do? Because let's face it, this is about to get real embarrassing real quick. Any day now the shocked Sunday school teacher is going to stare me down for a talk and I'm going to have stutter out some excuse that will probably sound something like, "oh, gee, er, my! Are you sure it was little Caden?" Although, I may only need to mention the fact that Caden came home from Sunday school informing me that sons come from hot lovin' and presto! Blame averted. But seriously...

I think for now, I'm going to close my eyes, place my hands over my ears, and pretend I didn't hear anything.

Good things.

2009-09-15T20:19:00.000-07:00

I feel like I'm finally starting to come out of my depression, almost like I can breath again. I had forgotten what it felt like to be happy, to be grateful for the little things. I had forgotten to be grateful for nice weather, Sunday night ice cream, the best of friends, and round little bellies. In the last couple of days I've found myself delighted by my children. I've realized that the old excitement I used to feel at Pete coming home is coming back. I'm starting to appreciate his jokes, his smiles, and how effortless it is for him to become my old friend again. I now laugh with my children when they laugh. Play when they want to play, and sing when they want to sing. I'm starting to feel like me again...and I'm beginning to think that I'm not so bad.

Stay tuned. Good things are afoot. I can feel it.

Common Sense

2009-09-15T19:28:00.000-07:00

I don't normally write poems, not because I don't like them(I adore them) but because mine always sound like they were written by an angst ridden emo teen. But lately I've found myself writing them all of the time. It's entertaining and sometimes I surprise myself. And even if they do sound like a fourteen year old with too much black make up wrote it, who cares?

Common sense would say
That I'm going to survive
and even if it feels like it
I'm not really going to die

Common sense tells me
That when you said, "I love you"
You didn't really mean it
'Cus love isn't something you do

Common sense tells me
That you're cruel,spiteful, and mean
And the only good kind of break
Is one that is clean

Common sense tells me
to hate you and let it go
But you found your way in
And you're all that I know

So...I'm left here
Feeling anything but free
Because common sense
Doesn't make much sense to me.

2009-09-13T22:19:00.001-07:00

Sometimes we do things we aren't proud of. Sometimes we do things that we regret. Sometimes we do things that we're ashamed of. Ignore the person who is obviously in need of some help. Trusted somebody who wasn't worthy of it. Said something we shouldn't have. Called too many times...Hopefully we have somebody who will call us out on our b.s. or bring us back to reality. Somebody who can say, "hey, you know what? That really wasn't cool." And for some, we can even reply or apologize, "I'm sorry...I was wrong." Or even something as simple as, "You're right." And we can move on and if we're very lucky, be better for it.

But what happens when what you've done isn't wrong? What if you firmly believe you acted appropriately? What happens when you're made to feel ashamed of something that you should be proud of? What do you do? Do you stick up for yourself? Do you let it go? Do you apologize knowing that what you did was right and good?

I've very recently had the misfortune of being in this exact situation. Somebody has been trying very hard to make me feel ashamed and embarrassed about something that I did. Something that I felt I had to do in order to live with myself. For the first time in my life, I refuse to let them make me feel bad about it. I refuse to let them get into my head and make me question myself and my decisions. I fought for something I thought that I wanted and I'm not going to apologize for it. Did I get what I wanted? No...Do I regret trying? No, because I know that I did everything in my power that I could and because I won't be asking, "What if?" for the rest of my life...but they certainly will.

Dear friend.

2009-09-13T18:38:00.000-07:00

There are certain people in my life that I abso-freakin-lutely love and as I sink further into a shitty situation they are becoming clearer and clearer. Were they there before? Yes. Did I know just how awesome they were? Sadly, no. I had no reason too. Until late, my life has been near perfect. Two beautiful children, awesome husband who loves to spoil me, financially stable, central heating and air... I didn't have much reason to complain, is what I'm trying to say. Because I had no reason to complain I had no need for a shoulder to cry on. And then the world swallowed me whole and spit me back out.

I'm realizing that my friends are amazing. So, this is for them.

Dear friend,

Thank you. Thank you for listening to me cry, bitch, complain, moan, and analyze the shit out of every tiny detail hour after hour. Thank you for praying with me and for me. Thank you for telling me it's okay, even when I'm convinced it's not. Thank you for calling the appropriate people assholes and my personal favorite, douche bags. Thank you for being you-thank you for being the person you let me believe you were. Thank you for understanding why I can't be the friend you deserve right now.

You have helped me in so many ways. At a time when I'm questioning whether I'm lovable or not, you have made it certain. You have held me up when I couldn't do it myself. You have given me back my sense of self. You have allowed me to keep thinking that I am one awesome girl. I am eternally grateful for the fabulousness that is you. You have helped me rid myself of the poison that so rudely pushed itself into my life as of late. So very simply, thank you. I love you. I thank God for you. I only hope that I can return the favor someday.

2009-09-10T21:41:00.000-07:00

"If this I could I would; shrink the surface of the earth so that I might suddenly find you standing at my side"- Greeting Card

September, September!

2009-09-10T20:22:00.000-07:00

Wow, are you aware that it's September? I've recently freed my head from the hole I stuffed it into when I realized how fast time was flying and surprise! It's September. Amazing. A few more months and it would have been a year since I've posted anything.

Things here have been okay. And by okay I mean pretty crappy. I've had to deal with things I'd hoped never to have to deal with and my quality of life has suffered considerably. I've had to remind myself to get out of bed, to smile, even to breathe sometimes. I'm lost...I look around me, recognize nothing, and panic. I look ahead, hoping to see something-anything that is familiar and try to hold it together when all I see is nothing...

One of my best friends today had me list random things that made me happy and to my surprise, I was able to list quite a few. It was then that I decided to claw myself out of this crippling depression. I've set myself a goal; to list 100 things that either make me happy or that I'm thankful for. It's just a small step, but hopefully it's a small step towards sunshine.

1. Pumpkins
2. Caden
3. Kyle
4. Pumpkin spice lattes
5. Lake Tahoe
6. Swimming
7. Chili Cheese Dogs
8. My NEW IMAC
9. Jane Eyre
10. Harry Potter
11. Love, Actually
12. Sex and the City
13. Crisp air
14. Fall
15. Sweaters
16. Mid-morning naps
17. Mail
18. Hot air balloons
19. Pastries
20. Pumpkin bread
21. The Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade
22. Running
23. Family
24. San Francisco
25. Savannah, Georgia
26. New Hampshire
27. Fires on cold days
28. Rainy days
29. Sleepless in Seattle
30. Powells
31. Barnes N Nobles
32. Copperfield's Bookstore in Napa
33. The small used book store in Woodland.
34. The smell of my Nana's house.
35. My Nana
36. Ice cream
37. Halloween
38. Foliage in the fall
39. Winter
40. Cute winter coats
41. Pepsi
42. Chips and Salsa
43. Guacamole
44. Twilight
45. Jane Austen
46. Clam Chowder
47. An Affair To Remember
48. Jimmy Stewart
49. Carey Grant
50. Soul-mates
51. Fresh paper
52. Starbucks
52. Gray's Anatomy
53. The Hills
54. Facebook
55. the smell of babies
56. The smell of Caden and Kyle when they wake up in the morning
57. Old friends
59. Jesus
60. The feel of tropical air
61. Big fluffy blankets
62. Diamond Rings
63. Pearls
64. Star Wars
65. Olive green
66. Christmas Stalkings
67. Christmas trees
68. Christmas
69. Church
70. Puppy breath
71. Candy
72. Warm summer nights
73. The Little Prince
74. Poetry
75. The Olive Garden
76. cinnamon rolls
77. Saturday Mornings
78. Friday nights
79. Friendly people
80. Magic Carpet mini golf
81. Chicken and dumplings
82. Pixeljunk Monsters
83. margaritas
84. Shopping with Adrienne
85. Spilling my heart to Whitney
86. Pink
87. Caden's singing
88. My sisters(Holly and Jessie)
89. Portland, OR
90.books
91. A clean house
92. The Pigeon books
93. Art
94. Thanksgiving at my moms house
95. Shopping for movies
96. Falling asleep at parents house
97. My brothers
98. Pete
99. When people take random words and make something beautiful.
100. the bible

Gingerbread Houses Galore!

2008-12-10T10:06:00.000-08:00

On the agenda for today; Gingerbread houses, hot chocolate with marshmallows*, and lots of tickling!

Things that will be avoided at ALL costs; Getting dressed.

* Did you know the word "marshmallow" is spelled with an "A" and not with an "E" in the end part of the word? WEIRD! You learn something new everyday, I guess...

Charlie Brown called, he wants his Christmas tree back.

2008-12-09T22:44:00.000-08:00

This past weekend marked the fifth annual S family Christmas tree gathering. This year we were fortunate enough not to have to spend any money on it. Pete's granny owns some property up in the mountains and she graciously let us cut down one of her many. Fun was had by all. I forgot how nice it could be to hike around in the woods with my family. It took us a while to find our tree. But find her we did. I couldn't help but think that "natural" trees weren't as perfect as Christmas tree lot trees. They're sparce, they have big holes in the sides and sometimes they're lopsided. However, they also aren't half dead either. I guess you take the good with the bad.
My Charlie Brown tree is sitting behind me, hideously decorated just the way I like it. Every bare inch covered in SOMETHING.

This is by far my favorite time of the year. I get giddy when I think about Christmas trees, sweaters, Santa, peppermint mochas, peppermint ice cream, peppermint in general...and all of our special traditions that are specific to my family. I've had Christmas music playing continuously around the clock, much to the annoyance of my husband. Deep down I think he loves it! Having kids makes it even sweeter. I can't explain the joy I feel when I see the delight on their faces when they see the pile of gifts under the tree. I can't help but laugh when they see the tree for the first time and THEY laugh. It's something everybody should experience.

These are the happy thoughts that I force myself to think of at the end of each day. A day that has required constant vigilance due to my one year old's determination to pull the tree down on himself or choke himself to death on an ornament. A day that was filled with my three year old asking again and again if he could have just one more chocolate from the advent calender. And me having to say, "no" again and again. A day filled with long lines at the store, impossibly big piles of presents to wrap, and no time for a nap. And you know what? Thinking about the above truly works in lifting my spirits. When I have so much to be thankful for it's simply too much effort to be angry. For the first time in my life I could get nothing on Christmas morning and still feel so incredibly blessed, because honestly, I totally am.

Burrrr, it's cold in here!

2008-12-04T13:39:00.001-08:00

Do you know what I did yesterday morning? I walked my son to pre-school wearing a coat, hat, and scarf! The best part about it was that I didn't even look like an asshole! Because it was cold! And foggy! California got the memo! Finally! I love the holidays, they make me happy. As evidenced by all of the extra exclamation points! And for all you perverts out there, I wasn't ONLY wearing a coat. I also had on pants, a shirt, and all the proper under-garments. I'm no exhibitionist.

Yes, folks is that time of year again. Pete and I have been having nightly wrestling matches over my frosty toes. He absolutely refuses to let my feet get anywhere near his. And I absolutely refuse to put my feet anywhere else. It's my own fault, I guess. I should have included, "I promise to let you warm the ice cubes you call your toes on my deliciously warm feet ALL winter long" in our(his) wedding vows. Sigh, hindsight's a wench, ain't she? All is not lost however. I've been going to sleep after Pete which means that I can slyly sneak my feet over to his side of the bed. He puts up MUCH less of a fight after he's already asleep. Who would have thought?

I'm in the mood for Seasons

2008-10-24T08:10:00.000-07:00

Um, I don't think California got the memo. Somebody needs to tell California that it's late October and it's probably time to start getting, you know, COLD? Yesterday, the high was 92. Ninety-freakin-two, people. Is it me or does that seem completely wrong to you? Sigh...I think it's time to move, I'm in the mood for seasons.

A little random to go with your coffee

2008-10-20T09:33:00.000-07:00

Can you picture my prophesy? I don't know what's worse, the fact that I opened this blog with a 2pac quote or the fact that I actually quote 2pac. Am I even cool enough to quote rappers? On one hand I'm still pretty young, only 25 and I'm sure that at some point, someone must have thought me cool. Admittedly they probably didn't know me very well. On the other hand, I'm a mother of two who drives a station wagon, mini-van, SUV thing. Technically, it's an SUV-station wagon "crossover". But in reality, it's just a nerdy car trying to be cool. In this way we are perfectly matched, unfortunately.

So, here's my question. At what point do us moms give up trying to be cool and just give into our "momness"? I've known a few woman who never stop trying to be cool and I guess the question for them is this; At what point does this become pathetic? My guess would be when you start quoting rappers.

In other non-random news, we're all doing incredibly well. We're all incredibly boring. Which is okay, boring is good. Boring is NOT chaos. Kyle is almost walking. IN fact, he's doing a creepy run on his hands and feet thing. When I first saw him do this I thought, "ooohhh, I'm not sure if that's cute or not..." He looks like an alien spider something or other when he does it. I don't know...

Caden has started pre-school. He seems to be enjoying it. When I ask him if he had fun all I can get out of him is "yesss, I shared cars!" So, your guess it as good as mine! We're minimizing the melt-downs which is good for me and my recent twitch.

Oh, I didn't tell you? My kids have literally given me an eye twitch! After having it for two weeks I broke down and called my doctor. She informed me that they do nothing for twitches and it's almost always caused by stress and lack of sleep. I was kind of clued into the stress aspect of it when I noticed that it would get worse when Caden was acting up.

"Caden(twitch) stop body slamming(twitch twitch) your brother!!! Twitch twitch twitch." Awww, the joys of parenting.

If only for a little while, please stop.

2008-10-18T20:57:00.001-07:00

I've been a mess lately. Crying randomly and uncontrollably, lashing out at my husband and kids, and falling into endless funks. The reason seems silly to me, but no matter how silly I tell myself it is, I can't escape it. I feel like lately, time has been throwing itself in my face. Laughing at me as it flies past. Continuely whispering in my ear, "look how fast I can go..." and no matter how hard I try to shut it out, it's always in front of my eyes.

Time is everywhere. It's in the changing leaves outside and the forecast on TV. It's in the box of baby clothes I gave away, and the baby I gave the clothes to. It's in my nana's face and my sons unstable walk. It's in the catalogs that came today, and the catalogs that'll come tomorrow.

Time is cruel.

We very recently put an offer on a house and to put it mildly, I'm ecstatic. I can not, CAN NOT wait to get out of this apartment. We're crammed in here like sardines and it does nothing for my mood. I'm sharing a room with Kyle and Caden is sharing a room with all of our storage. Toys are littering our living room and laundry is littering the bathroom. Our closets are overflowing and to be blunt, so are we. But here's the thing, however miserable we are now, I know I'll miss this. One day, very soon(or so it seems) I'll be cooking dinner in my big kitchen in my big roomy house. Caden will be away at school and Kyle will be locked in his room, moodily listening to music. Or maybe, he'll be gone too. I'll remember this apartment, and I'll ache for it. I'll ache for the times when Kyle is crying because Caden pushed him, and Caden is yelling at Kyle because he's crying. And I'M crying because I have nowhere to hide. I'll ache for the times we all cram into one bed for naps, and the times we squeeze ten plus people into the living room for Christmas dinner. I'll ache for the times that have long since turned into memories.

How do we slow this down? How do I get time to stop and let me have my fill of babies, and toddlers, and hot husbands? To give me so much of this that I have to say, "okay, enough. I'm ready to move on now. I'm ready for whatever is next." How can I ensure that twenty years from now when I'm cooking dinner in an empty house, I feel contentment instead of longing? Because if there's one thing I know, it's this; I sure as hell do not want to miss this apartment.

Happy Fall, Ya'll!

2008-10-10T21:19:00.000-07:00

Today I was almost trampled by a herd of stampeding children. I wish I could say I was kidding, but I can't. Due to my stellar balance(okay, more like luck. Balance and I have never gotten along) I was able to remain upright and ride it out. It was close though. Who would have thought that the hay pyramid at the pumpkin patch could be so dangerous?

Rabid children aside, it was an awesome day. For the first time ever I felt comfortable just letting Caden run amok and trusting that he wouldn't wander off so far that we couldn't find him. And guess what? He didn't! He picked out a cute little pumpkin, played nicely, oohhhed and aaahhhed at the tractors and(IF you can believe this) came quietly when we said it was time to go. Kyle was content to sit in my arms, play in the hay and he tolerated the adorable puppy hat I made him wear. I know, I know, sounds a little "out there" but I swear it's all true! Ask my husband! He'll back me up! Because it's trruuueee! I'm flying here, folks.

After we came home I found a recipe (that turned out to be awesome) for pumpkin black bean soup. Like I said before, it was awesome. It was the perfect way to ring in autumn! I can't imagine anything better than sitting at my pumpkin adorned table(because I got a few, too) eating hot soup, and listening to the wind howl. Bliss.

To sleep or...?

2008-09-16T19:55:00.000-07:00

When I first started this blog I had every intention of blogging at least five times a week. I wanted one post a day, Monday through Friday, and then on the weekend I would rest. Unfortunately, I didn't factor in my children. See, the only time I have to myself is late at night, after my kids have gone to bed. And every night I ask myself this question, "To sleep, or not to sleep...?" I think every parent knows that THAT is the question. Shakespeare didn't know what he was talking about, clearly. So, I end up reading, or watching TV, or on the rare occasion, going to bed early. I don't know about you, but I do my best writing late at night. Some of my best blogs have been written while laying in bed only to be forgotten by morning. It's almost a tragedy. So what do I do? I think I need to be content with posting when I have the energy and only then. Because let's face it, blogging is pretty low on my list of priorities. So, to make a long story a little less long, I'm sorry for the half assed blog. Goodnight.

Happy Sunday All!

2008-08-24T08:55:00.000-07:00

May your day be filled with brunches, naps, and uninterrupted newspaper reading time! May you get to spend some real quality time with my main squeeze of main squeezes(I have a few) Jesus.

I plan to have a big breakfast, visit the REAL happiest place on earth, Costco, nap, and have a nice dinner out with my husband and rug-rats.

Happy Sunday to all and to all a Happy Sunday!

How did I end up Here?

2008-08-16T09:55:00.001-07:00

Occasionally I look around and I ask myself, how did I end up here? How did I end up so far away from where I wanted to be? When the baby is crying, and Caden is spazzing out. When Pete is late getting home, when dinner goes horribly wrong. When I hear about my friends graduating and partying all the time, I always think, how?

I always imagined my life so different from how it actually turned out. I was going to move to a big city, live in a fabulous apartment, eat out all the time, read whenever I wanted...the list goes on and on and yet here I am. Here I am with two kids, a husband, bills, ONE friend in town and a lot of neighbors who are TOO damn close!

Last night my kids took a bath together for the first time. As I sat and watched them laugh and splash I was filled with true joy. I laughed with them. And not for the first time it hit me. I love my life. It is perfect for me. Nothing, absolutely nothing makes me happier than watching my kids have fun, together. Nothing makes me happier than hearing the screen door open and knowing that my husband is home. And even when dinner does go wrong, there's a certain satisfaction in knowing that I'm taking care of my family.

I oftentimes forget that when I was in college I had no idea what I wanted to do. The painful knowledge that I was wasting a lot of time, and a lot of money. One week I thought I'd like to be a journalist, the next a nurse. But when I had Caden God showed me that what I was meant to be was a mom. In the face of all the chaos this knowledge is easily forgotten. Easily replaced with the misconception of how great I had it in college.

It's a good thing I have bath time to remind me just how lucky I really am.

Apples and Oranges

2008-07-11T16:31:00.000-07:00

Like apples and oranges, black and white, cheese and noodles, puking and pooping just go together, and if you're my children they go together explosively. We have had no shortage of either in my house this week. And do you know what I need right about now? After a week of changing 8-10 dirty diapers a day, oftentimes accompanied with having to clean the carpet because said diapers failed to do their jobs? After having to change and wash my sons crib sheets no less than three times? Do you know what I could use? That's right, a break.

So, tonight when my husband gets home I will point to the fridge and say, "Help yourself to some delicious left-overs honey!" And I will promptly walk out the door, get into my car and drive. Drive across town to Burger King so I can sit in the relatively empty parking lot of Target(so as to be free of people staring at me and thinking about the poor, pathetic, wild eyed and bushey-haired woman eating alone in her car. And you thought insecurity disappeared with the ending of highschool. ha.) and eat my dinner. Eat my deliciously disgusting fat soaked burger and fries in silence. Sounds blissful, doesn't it? No? Well, yeah, but I take what I can get. Forgot the Pill, THIS is birth control.

Happy 4th of July!

2008-07-08T13:12:00.000-07:00

I guess I can't really call this a "parenting blog" until I've had a true blue puking post. I'm going to tell you ahead of time that it probably won't be funny, and if it is, it was completely unintentional and only funny to you, the reader. This whole puking episode is just too fresh in my mind, not enough time has passed for me to be able to "look back and laugh". I'm sure you understand.

The trouble started around nine on Wednesday night. Pete was getting ready to leave for some guy time and I was looking forward to having some alone time as well. Kyle had woken up on the wrong side of the crib and wanted some attention. Not a whole minute had passed before he threw up all over me, my hair, and the kitchen floor. When I started calling for Pete Caden came running into the kitchen, and right into the puke. He was freaking out because he heard the panic in my voice. The panic that was there not because my child had just thrown up, but because my child had just thrown up all over me. I gave Kyle to Pete,cleaned up the mess, hopped in the shower and came out to try to feed Kyle while Pete continued to get ready. Up to this point I was sure that he had thrown up because I had given him some actual food and failed to burp him. I was quickly proven wrong when after nursing, Kyle threw up all over me, my hair, and the couch. After Kyle had thrown up a few more times I loaded both the boys up in the car and headed to the ER, sans Pete. Pete had gone out with the guys, remember? He eventually met me at the ER, listened to my panicky complaints, and whisked Caden off to bed time.

To make a long story short, we got home from the ER around 2:30 after which the doctor told me that he was sure that it was something he had eaten and Kyle would be brand new in the morning. Except he wasn't. Well, he was until about three in the afternoon when he started to thrown up again(yeah, thanks Doc!) Thankfully we had been sent home with some awesome medicine and we quickly shoved that down Kyle's throat. Disaster averted. Oh, I'm sorry, let me finish that last sentence. Disaster averted until Caden started throwing up a couple of hours later. Are you jealous, yet? No, well let me add that all of this took place over the holiday weekend.

We all ended up getting sick and I truly believe that I not only survived the flu, but Hell as well. Needless to say, we didn't do much all weekend except think about how I really needed to clean the toilet more often, although that could have just been me, and stared mindlessly at the TV.

Yeah, Happy 4th Of July to you, too.

Are you kidding me, Google?

2008-07-01T20:49:00.000-07:00

Google informed me that Napa was foggy. Google was wrong. Are you kidding me, Google? Would it kill you to open up a newspaper, Google? Would it kill you to climb out from under the rock you've been under, or fly down from Mars for a visit, Google? Because if you did, you might realize that Napa isn't, in fact, foggy. Napa and all of northern California is on fire, you see. So common sense, Google, would say that Napa is smoky. But you wouldn't know that, Google because you are sadly misinformed. You apparently can't bother yourself with accurate reporting, can you Google? The air here has been categorized as "extremely unhealthy." Can you imagine keeping your kids inside for a WEEK, Google? No, I'm sure you can't. I'm sure you have no idea what it's like having a toddler bouncing(literally) off the walls. I'm sure you've never heard your three old come to you and say in a pathetic voice, "Can't go outside today, it's too smoky." You're very insensitive, Google. Next time, I think it would be wise to do your homework, Google. Next time, I won't be so kind.

Update: Napa is now smoke free, thank goodness. This blog should have actually been written last week, but I didn't have the time what with a manic toddler running around the house. Oh well, what can you do?

Delight

2008-06-26T22:02:00.000-07:00

From dictionary. com Delight;a high degree of pleasure or enjoyment; joy; rapture

A devotional in my bible asks this question, "What do you delight in?" I read this two days ago and was completely dismayed because honestly, I had no idea. What did I find extreme pleasure in? All I could come up with was reading, and to be honest, that seemed pretty weak. However, in two days, God has given me two different answers. Two answers which I am delighted to have discovered.

I grew up in a neighborhood with four other girls whom lived near by. We did everything together; sleep overs, swimming lessons, bike riding, soccer, school...you name it, we did it. Did our families take annual trips to the beach together? Why yes, yes they did. Did we have weekly barbeque's on Sunday nights? My goodness, how did you know? Did we all have the same clothes? You bet. Did we fight and get into trouble, as well? Of course, we're girls, remember? There was the time when A* and I snuck into our neighbors yard, pushed over their Christmas deer(which looked like more a giraffe, truth be told) and posted a note on their front door reading, "Nice Christmas giraffe." See? The wonderful thing about this story is that the most wholesome of our little five some, AP, was the one blamed. And as far as I know, they still think it was her today. Another time, we TP'ed the (different) neighbors house. Which wouldn't be so bad, except we did it in the rain. This story actually holds bitter undertones because again, an innocent party(okay, the MOST innocent party)was blamed. Only this time it wasn't so funny because I was the innocent party.

With Whitney leaving, who was one of the five, I've started to think a lot about growing up with these girls and it's astonishing to me that so much time has passed. One of us is a teacher, two of us are going to school, one of us is heading off to Jordan for two years, and one of us is married with two little rug-rats, er. I mean children.

Here's the thing, as we got older, we all tended to drift apart. Sort of. A and I were always close as were Whitney and S*.Whitney and AP are close because their sisters,as are S and A. Got that? But no matter how long it's been since we've spoken or seen each other, we can all come together and return to our natural flow. Which is what happened last night while Whitney, S, and I were hanging out in Barnes n Nobles. It was fun. We laughed, we gossiped, and we tried(unsuccessfully) to get Whitney to go talk to the cute soldier. It was when we were semi-stalking the soldier that I realized that hanging out with my oldest friends was bringing me a type of joy I haven't felt in a long while.

I was delighted.

*Names have been changed because I'm not sure if any of them would kick my ass for including their real names in a public blog. Except Whitney of course, but she'll never know, she's leaving the country.

Whi Whi

2008-06-23T22:42:00.000-07:00

I have a friend. Wow, congratulations you're probably thinking. HAHA, very funny! Actually, I have a lot of friends but for the sake of this post, I'm only going to talk about one of them. My friend, she's wonderful. She's not only smart(because anybody can be smart) she's also informed. She's a little bit conservative, a little bit liberal and very good at being both. She not only sees both sides but can emphasize with both. She's strong, funny, and resilient. She's had her heart broken a few times but still, she doesn't run from love. She welcomes it. I wouldn't know from personal expierience, but something tells me she's incredibly loyal as well. Do you know what else she is? She's brave. She wants to save the world. She wants to see peace.

On Friday morning Whitney is leaving for Jordan for two years with the peace core. Now do you see what I mean about being brave? I love her and I'm so proud of her! I just ask that you pray for her, nobody deserves it more.

Excuse me, did you say something?

2008-06-17T18:29:00.001-07:00

This conversation took place around the dinner table tonight. Pete and Caden had just bumped their bread together.

Pete: We breaded each other!

Holly: You toasted each other!!(haha)

Pete:...You didn't get that the first time?

H: The...first time?

P: Yeah, I just said that.

H: No, you just said, "we breaded each other!"

P: Yeah, but before that I said, "We toasted each other!" You looked me in the eye and smiled...?

H: I did? Wow...I didn't hear you at all.

P: What were you thinking about?

H:...

H: Hey! That's a good sign, we're starting to think alike!

P: Yeah, if you ignore the really BAD sign.

Obviously Pete is the pessimist.

Translation

2008-05-24T16:30:00.001-07:00

My in-laws house is three stories tall. Translation: I'm going to have GREAT legs by the time I leave ;-)

P.S. We made the twelve hour drive in one day and we're ALL still alive, I call that a success!

The(fill in the blank) part.

2008-05-22T14:56:00.000-07:00

Ah, stress. Nothing quite like it, eh? Tonight we leave for Oregon, and true to form I've left everything until the last minute. I haven't packed, cleaned, nor mentally prepared myself for a week and half with the in-laws. Oh, don't get me wrong, I love my in-laws. I hit the in-law lottery if you'd like to know the truth. They're great. It's the week and a half away from home with two kids under four part that I don't like. The running around frantically packing, cleaning, and just running around frantically part that I don't like. It's the moment when you're finally able to sit down, only to realize that you've forgotten something that must be done NOW part. It's the worrying about whether or not you've packed enough, or too much, or packed the wrong things altogether part! Or, this might just be the worst part. The walking out the door, getting in your car, driving an hour, then realizing you've forgotten either your purse, blankie, medicine, and/or fill in the blank part. And you know what? No matter how many lists I make or times I remind myself, I always forget something.

Here's the thing. I think I need to concentrate on a week with my husband part. Or the week away from my regular routine part. OR the completely unexpected and welcome week away from the blinding heat, part!

Wish me Luck. Have a wonderful Memorial Day weekend.

Crushed Chilis

2008-05-21T08:08:00.000-07:00

I grew up with two older brothers. Jason was six years older than me and Jonas was three. Jason and I were far enough apart in age that he mostly left me alone. Oh, we had a couple of spats, but nothing too serious. Jonas, on the other hand was another story. We use to drive each other crazy, and he could truly be mean. In time I've come to accept that big brothers are just hardwired to annoy and torture their younger siblings. Unfortunately for me, I was the youngest.

When I was about eight years old, my brothers and I were sitting around the kitchen table doing who knows what. I imagine we were probably playing a board game of some sort. Jonas eventually started talking about how good crushed chili's were. "Almost like candy," he said. "Why don't you try them, Holly?" Being young and naive,(and just a little bit stupid, I think) I had no reason to disbelieve him. Looking back, I probably had millions of reasons. He even went so far as to lovingly pour me a handful.

I don't know if you've ever eaten a handful of crushed chili's, my guess is no. They most certainly do not taste like candy. I imagine they probably taste a little bit like fire. Eventually my mom found me crying under the bar rubbing my tongue. I felt like a fool for believing him, and even at eight, I was ashamed. It didn't help that I had to lick milk off of a napkin because I wouldn't, and still won't, drink the stuff. She demanded to know what had happened and it wasn't as satisfying as it should have been to hear her yell, "Jonas, get in here, NOW!" after I told her what he had done.

It was a while before I would believe anything he said, and truthfully sometimes I still don't. It was then that I realized that I had better learn how to fight back or risk being humiliated in this way for a long time to come. I never learned to fight at his level, but I did learn something useful. My mom always believed me when I told her that he had hit me, whether he had or not.

I never said I fought fair.

The Strong Silent Type

2008-05-19T19:33:00.000-07:00

When Caden was a baby he was amazing. He only cried when he was hungry, he slept through the night at a week old, and he had a very sweet disposition. He was very much like Pete. We thought that without a doubt he would grow up to be the "strong, silent type". Very calm and mellow. We congratulated ourselves. Gave ourselves many pats on the back. Raising babies? Easy shmeazy. You say it's hard? You must be weak!

Anyway, to make a long story short. We. Were. Wrong. Caden is LOUD. Caden likes to (literally) bounce off of walls. Caden likes to yell! In the library? Sure! Church? Wonderful! Restaurants? Even better! However, there are a few wonderful things I can attribute to him getting my personality. He's alive. He laughs, he's bubbly, and he is a lover. It isn't abnormal for him to crawl into my lap, take my face in his hands and say, "I love you so much!" He's also very compassionate. He's been known to rub my back and ask if I'm okay if I seem to be crying. Sometimes I have to remind myself of these things when he's screaming in the middle of a parking lot. Or when he won't go to bed even though I've asked, I've pleaded and I've threatened all night.

Kyle? Kyle only cries when he's hungry. He's been sleeping through the night for a while now, and he has a very sweet disposition. We are certain that he will grow up to be the "strong silent" type.

Pop Quiz

2008-05-15T20:08:00.000-07:00

Pop Quiz time! Put your books away and please take out your pencils.

1. Last night, while Holly was falling into a peaceful slumber her last coherent thought was this;

A. What a wonderful stress free day!

B. Please, please dear, Lord let them both sleep through the night.

C. Gee, I hope my neighbors don't think I beat my children.

If you've picked "A" you are either delusional and/or don't have children. Because I don't believe anybody can be that naive, I'm going to go with the former. If you've picked "B" you must have this same thought time to time, I'm sorry. You are not alone. If you've picked "C" you are the winner! Congratulations, you! The prize? If you are so inclined, you may have my children. Kidding! Kidding, of course. Seriously? I'd be willing to part with them for a day or two ;-)

When things get stressful in my house, which they often are, I tend to talk in elevated tones, or yell, if you'd like to be a jerk about it. At first I worried about this. A lot. What kind of mother yells are her precious babies? Loses her patience every couple of hours or so? I'll tell you what kind, the very normal kind, much to my relief. I'm still figuring out how to be a mother of two, you see. Sometimes I'll be chugging right along feeling pretty good about my life and my mothering skills. Easy, I think to myself. No problemo. Until (and there is ALWAYS an "until") I hear the inevitable crash, or scream or wildly out of control laughter(which is ALWAYS just as bad as the scream) and I know. My three year old has done something that he knows he's not suppose to do but does anyway because he likes to test mommy! Because it's en vogue for toddlers to say, "No!" or sweetly say, "Yes, mommy" and turn around and do the opposite. Fun stuff. I only hope that my neighbors have had children of this age and that instead of thinking, "Good grief, what goes on in that house" they're ACTUALLY thinking, "That poor woman, I should bake her a cheesecake."

These are a Few Of My Favorite Things

2008-05-14T21:24:00.000-07:00

I've always wanted to do this, and then I saw one of my favorite bloggers had done it(www.the3facesofeve.blogspot.com) and I thought, "what the hell?" so, here are some of my favorite things. ;-)Please sing to the tune from the sound of music.

Santa at Christmas and shopping with buddies
Hot apple cider and "A's" without studies
Orange jack-o-lanterns and huge diamond rings
These are a few of my favorite things!

Beemers and gossip and cute little poodles.
Snowballs and cheese balls and tuna with noodles
Money in cards that the mail brings
These are a few of my favorite things!

Bright early mornings with hot air balloons
Naps under blankets on cold afternoons
Singing in autos and kind human beings
These are a few of my favorite things!

When the wind blows
When the cake burns
When I'm feeling sad.
I just think of my favorite things, then I don't feel so baaad!

Perfect for me.

2008-05-14T19:16:00.000-07:00

You are my love above the rest. You make me see stars everywhere. Even when it's light, I see them, in your eyes, and buzzing around my head. My world is one big blur of sparkley yellow diamonds exploding into the depths of everything while I stand in the glitter that rains down, staring at only you. Mine is a perfect existence of your beautiful essence and the glowing smile of our precious son.

That folks, is how I can sum up my life. I wrote this when P and I were first married, so to be completely accurate we would need to add an "S" to sons. I now have two kids under the age of three, both boys. Are you calling my bluff yet on my introduction? No? Well you should be, shame on you! I love my life, but no longer is it the peaceful world of "baby makes three". My life is hectic and chaotic and when I don't have an infant attached to my boob, I have a toddler on my leg. We are not a perfect family, my sons are not the cutest, smartest, sweetest, babies alive(although, I think they are) and my husband is not a knight in shining armor(although I think he is) but you know what? I love my life this way! After all, chaos is NEVER boring.